Mother's Day Special :Tribute to "Stay-At-Home" Moms

Alright, I promised you that this Sunday's blog is going to be special. It has to be, It's mothers day. Happy mother's day to my mom and all the super mom's in the world.

I chose the topic "Tribute to "Stay-At-Home" Moms" because I think moms say no to so many things in life including jobs. They do so recognizing that bringing up their kids is the biggest job they have. My mom is a stay at home mom, another person who is very dear to me and is like a mom (Kamakshi) is a stay at home woman and my mother-in-law is also a stay at home mom.

I don't intend to not celebrate moms who go out and work , but I think the world needs to hear more about moms who stay at home. The world has long ignored the job stay at home moms do at home. The world had often made them feel they are less valued and hasn't always understood what all skills it takes to be a stay at home mom. In my opinion, moms do the toughest, most complex of all  jobs But the society sees it as least rewarding. Can there be anything more rewarding then shaping your kids future and character?

I will pay tributes to stay at home moms through the story of my mom (Kamlesh), my second mom (Kamakshi) and my mother in law (Susheela) .

Through the stories of my moms ( mother and mother in law) - you will revisit an era when society wasn't that advanced, income levels weren't that high and technology also wasn't there to enable women to be both a mother and a job goer. So most moms, for the right reason, took the call to stay at home and focus on kids and family. Through the story of Kamakshi , you will know that a woman does not need to marry and give birth to be a mom.

I know when my moms read this , they will be surprised. I have always found my ways to  show them how much they matter to me. But I have  never told them how keenly I have observed them and their sacrifices. They will also be pleasantly surprised with my words of gratitude and appreciation because they dealt with a trouble maker kid and a rebel. They have often seen me confrotnting with them than siding with them :)

My mom knows better.  I have also been a different kind of Indian kid that she had to manage. I believe in standing up to her if I think what she did is unfair or unwarranted. I wouldn't say "yes" to anything just because she is saying it, she would need to reason it with me. I would often question her way of thinking as she could question mine. She knew as much as I am learning from her , she is also learning from me and from the changing world around her. By the standards of Indian culture that sounds like disrespecting and disregarding elders. Thank god my mom recognized my intent and never took it this way.  I will say more about this in another blog "Being a rebel kid" but for now I will say this - Storming and forming is part of any good relationship. You storm your way to form a relationship and you keep moving from storming and forming - that's life and that's a sign of a healthy relationship.  This process in no way effects your love and respect for each other. So to the three of my moms -  I may have fought with you many times and may have hurt you at times, but unlike popular belief that doesn't mean I don't love and respect you, I do and always will :)

So this was probably the first and most critical role my mom played - Personality Development Coach. My mom always was proud and made me feel proud of the "rebel" I was. She knew that's  what makes me, "me". She ensured that I use this trait of mine to do good for me, for my family and for the society.

It is now the time to introduce my mom, her maiden name is Kamlesh Dubey. She was born on Aug 6th , 1952 to my grandfather Ramji Dubey and grandmother Balika Dubey. I am sure when she was born she had big dreams of who she wanted to be and that is why she ended up doing BA in English from one of the top colleges in India of that time. She also completed 1 year of MA when she got married to my father Sharad Chandra Tiwari. She was 23 years old at that time. She married my father without meeting, and without talking to him.

Let's talk about my mother in law - her maiden name is Susheela Mishra. She was born in 1954 to my wife's grandfather Raghuveer Dutt and grandmother Lakshmi Devi. She too had dreams and ended up doing BA in English. She was married to Rajendra Prasad Sharma, and she also did not meet or talk to her husband to be.

They say that is how marriage used to happen in India during those times. Regardless of the era, when a women marries she goes through a tsunami of change.  A change atleast,  I as a man can never successfully go through. They all of a sudden leave their house for a new house, stay with new people they just met and they also go through a sense of identity loss - They even lose their surname. OMG, this all happens over night as it did with  my mom and mother in law.

So by now, both these moms have played a role of ideal daughters - become a good person, study well so that you can get married with a good guy and in a good family. What else will a father want ? These are the most important moments in any fathers life. A job can be easily taken at a later time and can be changed. Course of life cannot change easily and marriage is that moment that decides the next course of life for a daughter.

As for my mom, here sheis away from her father's home with her husband who she has just met and in a joint family with many other people. Yup, during those times, living in a joint family was the norm. I am sure my father must have tried to make her comfortable, but no man can fill the gaps that are created in a women's life. It takes time to settle and in most cases it settles beautifully.

My mom and my mother in law who may have been  dreaming to stand on their own feet, but instead are standing on a completely new platform. I say "may have been" because its an irony that we never ask our moms what they wanted to be. We just assume they wanted to be a wife and a mother, who knows they must have had other dreams too.  They had to first put their firm foot on the new platform called marriage before even thinking about dreams.

Talk about dealing with ambiguity or dealing with complexity,  I cannot think of a more ambiguous and complex situation than this. You just met someone who you will now spend your whole life with. You just met many other people who become part of your family overnight. From now on this is your first home. You have no idea what happens to your other dreams. On top of all this you are not even sure of your identity. Hmmm, if I am dealing with such a situation , I will be shaking. Salute to these two women and to all women who do it and do it with grace and confidence.

The society of that time also created so much pressure that being a wife and daughter in law was considered to be an extremely daunting task, at-least in the first few years of marriage. My mother focused on building her family and also building relations with other in my father's family. At that time, my father had to also listen to the so called "elders"  and have my mother to not to take up a job outside. This incident was a god send omen to my father because it is this time that he decided to live in a nuclear family. I think he knew if he stays in his parental place then the society will dictate how my father and mother should live. Society would even influence how they should raise their kids (yet to be born). I know my father always repented my mother not being able to do a job and later tried many times to get her back on a job. It was a treat to watch those beautiful moments :) as one of the attempts involved my mom joining my school as our teacher :)

My brother (Saurabh) was born in 1976, my sister(Sujata) in 1980 and my mom delivered twins( Neelesh and  I)  in 1982 -  and it is at these moments that my mom's life changed again. She now has kids to take care of on top of taking care of her husband and house.

My mother in law had her first daughter Ritu in 1977, second daughter Varsha in 1979, third daughter  Megha in 1981 and my favorite girl Neha (my wife) in 1985. So just in ten years of marriage, she had 4 girls to take care of. Their son Shivam was born in 1995.

Both these moms would wake up early in the morning daily to make break fast and also pack lunch for their kids. To many cooking sounds like just a laborious chore but this is one of the most important tasks and the one which impacts the mind, body and soul. Cooking involves both art & science. These moms would decide and prepare a day in advance what they would cook the next day. They will ensure that their decision takes into account taste, nutrition, and variety. I only realized how tough a job cooking is when I started cooking myself. Since this realization, I appreciate my mother and mother in law's food even more.

More than appreciating the food, I appreciate the mind work and hard work that goes into making it. So much so that now I want to cook for them instead of making them cook for me. My mother in law will relate more as she and I have had many fights over who will make the food :)

Once they have sent off their kids to school, they would get some "me time" before they get on with other chores at home. Soon, it is time for the kids to come home. They would have by now prepared some surprising snacks and drinks. They also would have created the time table for the day to ensure the kids are having an all round development.

I remember as a kid, I would want to see my mom as soon as I come back from school so that I  feel loved, cared, and special. My wife expressed similar feelings to me about her mom at home when she would come back from school. There is no home without a mom for the kids :) There you go - now moms also had this psychological tasks of ensuring that they make their kids feel this way regardless of the way they feel - tired, exhausted, alone, lost and overwhelmed. But moms never show thier negative emotions. My wife also says that her mother would always smile and behind her smile she will hide any of her pain. She also says that her mother would learn recipes from other friends and books just to try new things out of love to surprise kids.

So by now, moms have played the role of a relationship manager, chef, nutritionist, psychologist, cheer leader and day planner. Did you ever try to look back and see what all roles your mother has played in your life :)

After they have made the kids feel settled at home post school, moms had the job of checking on their kids studies. They would check what was done in class, make sure they helps the kids with home work and also teach the kids. Apart from this, moms needed to ensure the house is managed properly - all the needed supplies are available, the maids are doing job properly, etc.

Neha's mom had four daughters, so she had a additional job of ensuring they are always safe. Sometimes, they used to live in small towns not best known for security. Neha's mom had to ensure she also became friends with their daughters so that she can guide them well in the different phases of life. So here is her mom playing the role of a security manager and a friend. Neha also recalls that her mom is very courageous and never gets bogged down by any situation. She had to be bold, and courageous. It wasn't any easy task to raise four daughters especially when the society makes you feel daughters are a burden. For my mother in law, daughters are a gift and she left no stone un-turned to give them the childhood they deserved. I have met Neha's sisters and spend enough time with them - they all are brave , courageous, compassionate and forward looking.  Above all they all are great super moms too :)

In our house, we have our sister too, so my mom had a similar task. My sister had three brothers as a protective shield. At times, our sisters also play the role of a mom and I remember my sister playing that role many times. She is another person who can handle a rebel like me, she also taught me to start helping my mom in kitchen since childhood . My job was to make evening tea on alternate days and my sister will make it the other days. My job was also to get some last minute groceries and help with house cleaning. Many boys  in India are not trained to do this at an early age and it was nice of my sister to train me. My sister played a role of a troubleshooter and connector in our house. More on her on sister's day :) Neha often tells me the same about her sisters and how they played a role of her mom at times. Infact, Neha remembers that her sisters will treat her like a boy and tie her Rakhi until their brother Shivam was born. So here moms are playing role of a leader by delegating some of their responsibilities to kids especially their daughters,  and in the process teaching them about motherhood.

My mom was also the finance manager of the house. She would manage all of my father's finances. My father's job was to handover the salary to my mom. My father trusted my mom to take care of expenditures, ensure savings, and also to stay on top of bank accounts/policies. This is the time when ATM cards didn't exist. My mom had to ensure she has planned her monthly and weekly expenses well so that she always had enough cash at hand, specially for any emergencies. She would also ensure that proper amount is being saved for vacations, unplanned expenditures, and for long term needs. I remember, my mom would go once in a month to her bank to take out cass. Out of thefour kids, I was the one who told my mom that I want to go to the bank with her every time. I didn't want to come back to my house with my mom not being there, and I also wanted to do an outing with my mom. So my mom would come pick me up at school, and then we would go to the bank. I remember, that we made it a routine to go to the Indian Cafe house to eat lunch, and to a sweet shop to drink "Lassi". This was our ritual and one of my most memorable times with my mom.

So by now, my moms have played the role of a home teacher, studies/career planner and a finance manager. While they played this role, they also has learned  how to make the moments memorable :)

Now fast forward a few years, I now leave my house for the first time to do my engineering in a city which is 48 hrs away from my hometown. Thanks to the teacher and finance manager role played by my mom, she could fund my engineering education. The cost of my engineering was five times more than if I decided do it in my hometown. But my parents without even blinking said yes when I told them that I wanr to do my engineering in Karnataka. That yes , also meant they would have to send me enough money every-month so that I can have a good living while studying. This would probably be 10% of their monthly salary, but they never missed it.

Same was true for my mother in law. All of their daughters went on to do advanced studies.  I know my wife (Neha) did engineering funded by her parents, and then they also sent her for specialized training to Mumbai. One thing commendable here about my mother in law is that she ensured that girls get to study and also at par with the boys. This was a time in India , that it was okay for girls to just study anything or something so that they could get married. But not in my mother in law'ss house, she did not let her own story of not being able to pursue her dreams impact how she raised her daughters. 

So you see, moms are now playing the role of fund managers to ensure the kids are funded well while they are out for studies. In the case of my mother in law, she also played the role of social change agent as she must have also fought the society's belief that a girl child's education is not super important or that a girl child is a burden.

Now lets go back to my engineering days as I want to introduce my third mom - Kamakshi. So when I went to do my engineering, I was to stay a few days at my father's so called sister's house. My father and Kamakshi met and became friends. Soon my father started considering her as his sister. Kamakshi was born in 1951 to P.S. Venkata Subba Rao and Jayalakshamma. She was blessed to be born in a family where both her parents had lineage of  being from Shri Sringeri Shankaracharya's family - Sringeri Shakaracharya  is one of the four heads of the Hindu religion. Kamakshi had her path clear in life , she wanted to dedicate herself to teaching religious Hindu scriptures to kids in her family and to hundreds of other kids. She took care of me like a mom would when I was studying engineering. She taught me the local language, and made me do informal bachelors in spiritualism through her teachings. She also ensured that I am taking care of my health and my studies. She did not have to do that, I wasn't anyone related to her but she did that out of pure motherly love towards me. Here I was,18 years old , very attached to my mom and for the first time out and about. Luckily, I met another person who I can call my mom (I felt blessed).  She played a very important role in preserving my character, and in building new aspects of my personality.

So here is a woman who is playing a role of a mom to a stranger, passing on to him all the knowledge she has about Hindu scriptures. More importantly, doing it in such a way that I can apply to my real life.  Kamakshi, we may be meeting less often now due to the distance, but my love and respect for you only increased over the years.

Fast Forward, many years(may be 2 decades) - now these moms have sent their kids out of homes,to new homes, to their new relationships and have see them grow in new jobs. I understand, how a mom woudl feel after having spent many years of their blood and sweat in growing their kids and then having to let them go. There were times when they felt overwhelmed and now they may feel lonely & lost.

It is therefore imperative for all the kids to always remember the sacrifces and efforts that their moms put into growing them and always find ways to give back. Often times, as kids, we get on with our new relationships, get busy with job and life. We fail to spend time with parents,we fail to call them and talk to them over the phone. We fail to make them feel special when they need it the most. Sometines, we also disconnect with them because of generational gaps and I have done it too. This is natural as we are also going through many phases in life for the first time and we are overwhlemed ourself but this doesnt mean you forget to care for your parents. They were there for you when you needed it, so are you with them now when they need you the most? All it takes is that keep them in your thoughts, call them to check on them , care for them and make them feel extended part of your life. This doesnt mean you agree with them on all things, this just means that you make them feel engaged even if it means there will be conflicts. It's just part of the storming step in your relationship. There could be millions of ways and everyone does it different, what matters is that you are cognizant of it. You dont want to ever repent or regret that you did not act on time.

So go give your mom a call , take her down  memory lane, thank her for all those things she did in the past and make her feel special today and everyday. Do it your way !!